More than I Believe

2010-07-03T03:53:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time since I made a new post. So many things happened, Graduation from Ngee Ann Polytechnic, finding a job in CPG Facilities Management, attending Asia Conference and lastly the struggle of applying into a degree programme that would pave my future career.. So far, I guess it was really the touch of God that really mould me into being more christ like.

Recently, I've been trying to quit smoking, which I failed miserably for over umpteen times. Incidentally, I got to hear the song "My life, My song" by CHC. One of the lyrics hit my heart with the phrase

"Let all earthly crowns, fade in the shadow of the cross"

As the song played on, I recollected lots of memories. How I decided to study hard when I was given a second chance to resume my poly. studies, the 1st time I successfully quit drinking, the 1st time I successfully root and commit to the Christ I've believed in all my life. And finally finally FINALLY! I can declare proudly that I've quit smoking, that I could continue to reach new heights as I grow closer to God.

All the above mentioned were all major turning points and resolves I've made during the past few years. Every single 1 of them, I could not emphasize how excruciatingly painful it was during the phases of change. Through it all, I have to admit there were more tears of sadness then of laughter, after all we are living a reality, and not through a drama script or a fantasy story. For me, I have learned that laughter and joy can never fully fill the void in me. It was really during the moments where I felt God being my only company while I undergo the storms of life, that I felt I've found true peace in the heart. Like how Jesus had a peace of heart during the storm at sea, I believe I got a mild taste of it...

I'm human, I have flaws too, I would feel lonely when I see couples walked by, I too, would undeniably seek God to soothe that void. I would occassionally question God if he had set me to be a bachelor for life, lol.

I guess, it's a matter of walking with Him through the trials of life. To grow progressively and act accordingly through Christ. Really it is not about what I want anymore, but to let Father God know my needs, and obey fervently. I guess, this could be my resolve through the walk of life.

2010-05-02T04:56:00.001+08:00

Wokeup from stress this morning, it has been numerous times waking up scared, thinking I have not graduated from poly, and receiving my diploma. Thank God for his calmness, for his grace... for his everlasting mercy.

I'll have to admit, I'm good at putting a strong front, maybe too good. I understand that I've issues to workout, primarily insecurity, fear and past hurts.. But I'll always be reminded of God's grace, that I can be small, but greater is the God that dwells with me every single moment from the day I was born.

My Elohim, El-Shammah, El-Jireh and last but not least, my El-Rapha. O God, how great are You? How merciful are you? Always being my God of second chances, from my studies, to giving me a second, or even third chance in life, literally or otherwise.

It's been a crazy ride in life, meeting so many different acquaintances, and having the honor to become the best of friends with some of em'. And that I know you have only started working in my life, and I know, I know, the best is yet to come!

2010-01-18T22:55:00.000+08:00

Neverending breeze of the starless night blows passed my face
With my cuppa, a yearn, a wonder.
An oh so familiar spiritual warmth that seem threaten of leaving
When I know I know, that I always cling so dearly, that I hold.
With reminisce so strong, that I worry it'll place a regret
In a future that might be paved in fame and glory.
Of which, a place in my heart, holds for simple living.
Where passion and love resides

2010-01-18T22:30:00.002+08:00

Today, spoke to my lecturer regarding my prospects, and what route I should take after achieving my diploma. Basically, get a mechanical engineering degree, and persue a career as a sales engineer, or alternatively fuel engineering or as a project manager. After that, work like a dog for 4-5 years, get a capital and open a cafe(sideline maybe). Because of that, if I could not get into a local recognized university, I might need to go UK to study. Initially it sounded cool, and it didn't matter much to me. But I've never traveled for over 12 years, it might be a culture shock for me. Leaving everything I have in Singapore, my brothers, my spiritual family, my church, the familiar environment...

I'm not worried study wise though, after going through 3 years in poly, I know for a fact I can get good grades in something I have no interest in. The irony of putting my passion in studying engineering, when the dream behind it is FnB' related.

All that's been said, somehow, it leaves me with a heavy heart, a sour feeling inside me just thinking of it.

Feeling perplexed and for some reason, sad.

What am I to do?

2010-01-11T21:18:00.000+08:00

Love, a strong positive emotion of regard and affection. During my teenage years, I'm sure like with many others, would go through stages of lovelorn, or to be more precise, some form of loneliness.

These days, hitting my mid 20s (oh how i hate to admit it) this love have develop into a form of appreciation of it. Love for God, brothers, friends, needy, me. Somewhere along the way I lost the true appreciation for the love of my own relatives and family. Because of the way I was brought up? That I do not have an answer for.

Is this maturity? Maybe. True form of maturity differs from individual to individual. One thing for sure, this was not something I'd expect. I thought maturity was something you just show others, contrary, it does not seem to be the case.

Well, I do think about how it'll be a dream having my other half. But in the world we are living in, where divorce numbers doubled over the last decade, with the hit of the worst financial crisis since the late 80s (early 90s?), could we afford to follow fully by what our emotion wants? To summarise, there's a lot of commitments needed in a relationship, not just love. Even if all that's been mentioned revolves around love.

Personally, lovelorn as a teenager have matured like Cadbury milk chocolate into the savory of bitter-sweet dark chocolate.

2009-12-18T21:58:00.001+08:00

Despite all the years, I have never once gone for makeup cellgroup. Many excuses come to mind, pointless, don't know anyone, inconvienient etc. But I thank God for giving me the honor and privelege to attend MingJing's Cell. Even though it was Thanksgiving makeup cellgroup, somehow, I don't feel I learn any lesser today then any other days. Gradually, I felt the holy spirit pointing me towards Mingjing

"Look, this is the man whose body is weary, but filled with the spirit"

Upon closer observation, I was kinda taken aback. He really look weary, looking way older then what his actual age is. But when he smile, I felt warmth of joy in his heart, that against it all, a heart of thanksgiving. Short simple message, personally I felt it was routine. But the true message for me at the end of the day was hidden in that face of his. Behind the smile on his face, behind that loud booming voice that keeps the cellgroup alive. It seems to say, "Even when the burden is heavy and the route is long, I shell lift all my good and bad days to you. Thanking you for all my days in the past, the present and the future."

Being myself, I didn't speak much, apart from offering him a lift. Even though he politely decline the offer, I guess he knew I really wanted to help him then. After exchanging smiles and bidding small goodbyes, I head off home, thanking God for the living example that portray his teachings.

2009-12-14T21:55:00.001+08:00

Christ through faith
I talked to a cat the other day
And he was like;
"Man I really wanna come to Christ
But I gotta clean my life up first, get my sins together"
I told em, I used to think that way too
I thought I had to change myself before I could come to Christ
But Christ changed me
Let me tell you my story, it starts like this

It's 5:46 in the mornin', tossin' and turnin'
Chest burnin', sermons in my head keep reocurrin'
Havin' visions in my head of a kid
Cryin' at the feet of the Father, for all the wrong things that he did
Now I'm sweatin' in my sheets can't sleep
My mind keeps tellin' me I'm six feet deep
Don't remind me, even though I'm still alive I can't tell
The way I'm living my life I feel I'm going to hell
God they telling me I should accept you
That you had to leave the world, cause the world left you
Reason I can't change, like a mystery to me
So I make believe there really is a heaven for a G
Even though they say you loved the world so much, you shed ya blood
God I feel I'm too messed up for love
They tell me come as I am but I smell like smoke
My whole lifes full of sin cause it's all I know
The bible told me that you died for my sins
If I believe in Christ, it'll save me from the end
But I'm scared to ask you, to save me my heart
So evil, I got thoughts, that's full of hatred hurtin' people
I thought at first I had to clean up my life
Now I'm hearin' I just need to cling to the light
I'm ready to do it, but Lord I pray you understand
My life is a mess, will you take me as I am

Will you take me as I am
I know the way I'm living is wrong
But I can't change on my own, trying to make it alone
I wonder, how could you love me when my life so ugly
But you came down and died for me

Will you take me as I am
I know the way I'm living is wrong
But I can't change on my own, trying to make it alone
I wonder, how could you love me when my life so ugly
But you came down and died for me
Will you take me as I am

I'm sick and tired of trying to me the man, my daddy never taught me to be
I'm grown up now, life ain't what I thought it would be
I made many mistakes in my past I can't fix
Now I'm staring at this crusifix tatted on my wrist
Is it true what they telling me, am I just crazy
Did ya bleed on the cross, for my sins to save me
But why would ya die for me
My whole life I've been working for Satan, while He fed lies to me
And now I'm hearing too much, trying to get a true touch
Of a love that can change me, I'm all screwed up
Figure Hell is what I deserve
But your word says we all fall short so I guess we all outta burn
Teach me I wanna learn
How you could save a wretch like me, before death says it's my turn
I think I finally understand
No matter my past, you'll still take me as I am

Will you take me as I am

I know the way I'm living is wrong
But I can't change on my own, trying to make it alone
I wonder, how could you love me when my life so ugly
But you came down and died for me
Will you take me as I am

I know the way I'm living is wrongBut I can't change on my own, trying to make it alone
I wonder, how could you love me when my life so ugly
But you came down and died for me
Will you take me as I am

My father had a few last words to give
I be telling people the reason to live
The reason to die, united with the King in the sky
This life is passing us by, I got no reason to lie
You'll never give the world enough, they'll hunger for more
They figure there ways are nuthin to the wonderous lord
More security than the man that left you
More love than the moms who kept you
He'll always accept you
Be everything your supposed to
Let Christ rule ya heart, mind, body and soul cause He chose you
And if the world don't know you
It don't matter you're Gods child and he'll never disown you
Ya purpose on earth is far from worthless
That's why ya glorified like ya life's been purchased
And it don't matter if the world don't seen us
We still mean the world to Jesus

Will you take me as I am

I know the way I'm living is wrong
But I can't change on my own, trying to make it alone
I wonder, how could you love me when my life so ugly
But you came down and died for me

Will you take me as I am
I know the way I'm living is wrong
But I can't change on my own, trying to make it alone
I wonder, how could you love me when my life so ugly
But you came down and died for me
Will you take me as I am

Yeah, we're saved by grace through faith
It's not works
Ain't nuthin you can do, ain't nuthin I can do
That could get us this grace salavation that we got man
It's only Christ
So if you feel like you gotta clean yourself up
Before you can come to Him
Forget it
Just come to Him
He'll take you as you are, and he'll change YOU
From the inside, out

2009-12-04T22:32:00.000+08:00

It's been another week of school, full of projects and studies. Worry started to set in over last minute revisions as project is eating into all my time, regardless time or energy. However, this week I've been able to listen and read the bible everyday, a gradual process over the weeks, and the rewards are starting to reap forth.

Sure, school have been tougher, I'm getting less sleep and here and there, might get into senseless worrying. But I thank God that I'm no longer a weekend christian. Apart from studying, I've been listening to the Audio Bible every single moment, even during my meals, lol. Always reading His Words, always looking forward to probe deeper into the bible, wanting to learn more and more about Christ, about my Father. Everyday, living with peace in my heart through his words. Comforted and thankful for everything I had to go through, good AND bad; because they made me the person I am today. All the experience I carry, that I could use them to relate with the people of the world; hopefully I have enough to get them saved.

Despite going at my own pace, I'm surprised I covered so many books, and seriously it's at my own leisurely pace. Genesis, Exodus, Chronicles, Ezekiel, Acts, Revelation, so on and so forth..

Just gonna share my 2 cents worth of what I read and how it brought me closer to God.

Moses
A man whom I can imagine, always full of "What Ifs" and "Hows", that even irritated God! A man who have bad communication skills with people. But God made use of this Old Man after he fled from Egypt to the land of Midian. I think even Moses could not imagine the kind of trials he had to go through. Mustering the courage to go against the King Of Egypt. The descipline needed to travel thru and frou from Mt. Sinai. The heartbreak he had seeing the Israelites worshipping the Golden Calf. Last but not least, as he travelled through the wilderness, he was responsible for all the Israelites that was brought out of Egypt.

To be honest, he is not your ideal leader, I dare say the most of us got better traits then him. But God chose him because he was fearful of the Lord, and love Him ever so deeply. Throughout his life, he persevered and cling all he had on the promise and calling of God. An imperfect man with a great destiny.

Ezekiel
How God spoke to Ezekiel along the Kebar River; later revealing the siege of Jerusaeleum. Reading on, seeing the vision of the temples in Jerusaeleum, being filled with worship, not to God, but to idols. I'm summarising everything but if anyone read this book properly, you can really imagine how tolerant God was, how mad he had felt, and ultimately understanding he still love his children. However, because of their foolishness, the wrath of God became inevitable.

Why were the Israelites so blind? Didn't God bring the Isralites out of Egypt through Moses? Didn't their elders see miracles of manna and the opening of the Red Sea? Why do they want to break God's heart like that! After further thoughts.. I realised how damned and sinful the world really is right now. Apart from saying we deserve it; really, I thank God for the blood of Christ that those who believes and abides in Him are save. Suddenly I remembered close relatives and friends of which do not acknowledge God. I felt a tear in my heart and wept bitterly.

John
Carrying on, I read about the life of John, Jesus' Disciple. Especially after Jesus ascension, how he continued to have a heart of God, getting countless number of people saved. Regardless being locked up in Patmos,he was not only being respected by the prisoners, but even the guards too!

What touched my heart was the righteousness and love he had for the people. Even at an old age, and still a captive in Patmos; John showed love and tended the wounds of the hurt and gave the meagre food he had to the hungry.

Well, I could go on and on, how John had visions of Revelation, how I came to see and understand revelation at another level; How I got encourage as I read about John the baptist.... These are really great men, warriors of God. I do not dream having myself to be on par with them, but at least I pray with the little time I'm alloted from God in this world, may I abide in Him, fulfilling all the callings left in my lifetime. That I could do enough to make my Father Proud.

2009-11-11T20:47:00.000+08:00

From the mountain sky, through the dawn.
You've watched me fumble, you've watched me sigh.
As a Father to his son, "I'm always here, don't cry"
Immeasurable love, the pain subsides.
That "I" do not matter, putting my "i" in Christ
The tears of the fallen, to the tears for the fallen.
Keeping my heart open; the broken, forgotten.
How you brought the blind to see,
Oh, how you died for all my sins.
Where prayer dwells deep in the heart.
So my sanctuary is, where my soul departs.

I shall not wander, I shall not wonder.
Your grace, Your Mercy.
Jesus Christ, Abba Father....

2009-11-01T09:36:00.000+08:00

Blasting away techno during a cool Sunday morning. Thinking back, Thank God for giving me a purpose he set in my life. Even as a christian, I could have never been more transparent and real, and loving the identity he had set for me in my life. Yesterday halloween didn't work out ideally, but I know it'll definitely turn out better! Undeniably, I felt if I could have been more open, more willing to be sponteneous in giving ideas, or helping out, things could have worked out much better.

Partying, or how people would blindly term it as clubbing, 1st reaction would be boozing and smoking in the dancefloor, or so they think that's the only way to make a party run wild. Right? WRONG!

To wrap it all up, using a "club aspect" I'll say 85% of it boils down to
1. Music
2. MC-ing
3. Atmosphere
4. Sponteneous Crowd

No.4 Comes in natrually when you got the 1st three. I feel, it's the MC-ing that really captures a crowd. After all, music can only do that much in a party; I'd say bobbing of heads is the most you could get out of it ;l

Hehe, well, the "art" of MC-ing would be down to the MC 1st, upfront, bold and nonchalant. Especially if you're doing it for a crowd whom are acknowledge as your peers. Of course, different events, different settings. If you're MC-ing with a teacher status, all that's been mentioned might not be applicable.

Now the setting of an MC is said, it's down to the more critical aspect, capturing the crowd! Easier said then done of course, before the "show", roughly ask yourself the setting you'll want the crowd to get in tune with, and plan how you'll gradually progress to get that ideal setting. It take tactfulness and subtleness to do that, call it an art I guess. From there on, it's on cruise control, you've capture the crowd, now just enjoy the rest of the party, ppl. should be more sponteneous in lifting up the atmosphere, worst case possible is that you just need to give a slight poke to individuals during the event to be more sponteneous. =]

2009-10-31T23:57:00.001+08:00

Today's service was superb. After the word given by Pastor Kong, when we prayed, felt this unexplainable "home"liness from God. More then just a friend, more then just a Father, more then just a lover, it's something that penetrates so deep inside, there's really no words to explain it.

It's been a long time, really really long. But I've never felt God speaking to me like that since the time I was in CHC at Paya Lebar. I was asking God for a message, one I could depend on, meditate on, and to reassure. He said, "Pray for the multitudes". Went on praying and praying, thinking bout my accounts I had with God. Recalling the 1st dream I ever had that's related to Christ. Then recalling how he gave me strength to stretch my faith and discipline to another level while he watched over me.

Suddenly I received, or so I think, a revelation. As I imagine myself putting all my dreams in an offering pit, those which I accomplished, and somewhat regret; and those of which I've always wanted to complete, but never did. Suddenly God spoke to me. "Break your dreams." "Break your dreams so that you could mend the broken dreams of others." God be my witness I never makeup anything written here this very moment. Suddenly flashes of my spiritual struggles I had, lonely times crying out to God, praying fervently as a drunk for a friend, staring out; lost without an aim in Jurong East CHC when I was nearing O levels years years back. All with 1 similarity, shattered, torn dreams, like torn silk satins soak in mud and dirt, trampled upon on the floor. Realising a flawless person will never be able to win lost souls. Why do I make such a bold statement? Reason being a flawless person can never relate to the people of the world. Like how Joseph got sold as a slave to Egypt by his brothers, Joseph never blamed his brothers, but understood that it was God that led him to Egypt, to save the country whom would go through 7 years of famine later on. That was why all those trials and tribulations occured, or had to occur.

Relating that to my life, a broken relationship with mum, being a broken person whom tried all ways to be christ like, unfortunately for all the wrong intentions, at times, wrong mentality; my lifetime worth of backsliding before the recent comeback, my secret sins, smoking, clubbing, druinking, pubbing, and more of which I can't say here as some might be too ghastly, maybe even explicit. Whatever it is, instead of how I'd mope about it week after week crying to God why and to give me strength, I Thank God for ALL that has happened. Really! For it takes a broken man to mend broken dreams, and this I believe tentatively, is my calling.

Lots of meditation, prayer and studying of the bible would be needed to affirm this revelation I had. To be sure it's all from God. But after 20 over years, I have NEVER felt God this way, never in my past spiritual prime did my experience with God shoot to such a height. Can't wait to make time and do quiet time etc. Gradually, and hopefully soon, would want to start fasting for the revelation given by God. To know what are his other plans in my life.

2009-10-27T19:49:00.000+08:00

Well, haven't blog for a long long time. So many things have been happening in my life, and really, it's hard to pinpoint how I'm gonna start this.

Well, currently down with the flu, a pretty bad one.. After seeing the doctor yesterday, slept from 9pm-9am. Then 10am to 12pm, and 3pm-7pm. Lol. In the midst of it all, drowning in cold sweat and coughing very hard, trying to rid the phelgmns for the lungs. Definitely not a pretty sight.

Roughly, it has been almost 24 hours since I quitted smoking. Feeling better? lol no way, not yet I guess. Breathelessness, lethargic and cold sweat. I heard from somewhere as the lungs start to heal, it'll expel some gunk from the lungs, of course, temporily making me more breatheless then usual.

Well, about yesterday night, I wasn't sure if it's the fever, or is it fatigue. Before I headed to bed, suddenly had giddy spells, and at night, I might have become abit delusional drifting in and out of dreams, yet semi concious, knowing I wasn't able to sleep fully at night.

Can't wait to recover from my cold... At least, I know it can't get any worst then this. I've always thought I'll quit smoking when I'm attached, or that was the plan -laughs-. But now, I'm quitting smoking for myself.. Or maybe for the sake of a breakthrough, for God. In the midst of all these "self inflicted" madness, I know I'm really putting full dependency on God. Reading the bible and praying hard everyday.

So much in my mind right now, I've got so much to say, haha.. But I think, until I further sort out my thoughts, I'll leave it as this for now.

2009-10-01T21:27:00.000+08:00

Wanted to catchup on my previous postings, but gradually started to ponder about life. (Yea, one of those moments) Well, happened to talk to this new Staff in my poly, his 27 years old with a diploma only, and was sharing with me lots of stuffs. We aren't exactly friends to start of with, more like aquaintence. However, we shared 1 vital similarity, both of us undergo the same life experiences, and had turned over a new leaf.

During our 10 over minutes conversation. He shared how he had undergone the same trials as me, and that for my case, it's highly possible to catchup, or overtake my peers so long I don't give up. The conversation was deep; ironically it's almost like how a sinner goes up to a confessional box and let everything out. It had that kind of atmosphere.

Honestly, I'm living it out now, pushing every ounce I have into my studies and to God. Thinking back about everything tha happened, good or bad. Every second, every breathe we take, every thought that passes our mind and every action we take based on our decisions, regardless how small, unknowingly we're recording them down in our life. Guess that's how we get biographies.

As human, we can look so deep into our philosiphys, ideologys, emotions, visions, dreams and hopes. But life for a fact is very fragile. A freak accident or taking the wrong step and the individual's soul vanishes, leaving a cold hard shell. Life's Irony, but all the more we should live the way we want, before God's calling. For me, I'd say I'm 70% satisfied, should I head to the heavens anytime soon. Being the sentimental type, the other 30% should be getting that special someone? Hahaha, wellll, setting my life on the road to success, I don't dwell in my emotions as much and am in control of my emotions these days. It doesn't mean I put my feelings aside and become a cold heartless person, but that it's not right to dwell in it so much resulting in an emo, pity party which blinds myself from fulfilling other aspects in life. I guess, after going through Good love, bad love, it made me wiser regardless the situation I was in. Guess it'll jus boil down to being if ever the right one comes by, I'll put my heart and soul to it. If not, reflecting back on life, it'll still be pretty great, lol.

2009-09-19T09:53:00.001+08:00

18/9
Got back my exam results. 1C, 1 D, 2 Bs, 1 B+. Well, Despite not getting better results for maths even when I did my best, I'm very thankful I did not end up failing anything. Last time always get Cs and Fs. So Bs and B+ is a 1st in all my years in poly. Feeling relieved, able to concentrate in my project and getting shuteye after I came home.

19/9
Was doing my own stuffs till Joel msn me. Suddenly reminded me bout blood donation, nvr go b4. Always drawing ppl blood now ppl draw my blood. Well. Hope everything ends up well. Quite nervous..

2009-09-17T22:37:00.001+08:00

Hm. Getting rather restless as I'm getting my results tmr. Logically, I've done more studies then I ever did past few months since i came back to scl. But knowing the old me screwed 3 modules. I'm considered taking 2nd attempts for 3 of my 5 modules this Semester.

I try my best to think that life is all sunshine with rainbows in the sky and smiley faces. However, reality.. I guess harsh isn't the right word. Harsh is just a perspective of how ppl see things at certain moments. It's temporal. It's more like, cold,very materialistic maybe. Where dreams submit to the concrete Jungle. Yea, I've hope for so many things to happened, made so many dreams. Many are scattered over the floor like rolling marbles, rolling to any directions but to me. Many of these promises and dreams which I hold closer then life itself, unfortunately died slowly. Through the years, and later by the years, having to accept and submit to reality.

Is it my character? Or because of my life choices? Maybe jus plain mad? All mentioned might have played a part in their own way. I come from a family where my early childhood is built on shattered dreams, lies and hypocricy of which mum provided them for me. But that's another story. Dad was more introverted I guess. Even though it was more of a recent thing where Dad is trying to catchup with me, showing concern for me and all.

Basically I'm pointing out being an only son living in such conditions and upbringing, what had been one of fiery passion, living life on dreams and "yet to fulfill promises", and to an extreme where being naive might have been it; to someone whom on the surface seem to be ruled by logic, materialistic dreams. I know deep inside, there's a place where all my broken dreams and hurts are, awaiting to be mended, even though tentatively, I've always felt it's a hopeless cause and just shrug them of with a smile.

Now, the guys are all overseas studying, mostly attached. The ladies, to my knowledge, are happily attached or to my knowledge, some married. Without a doubt, I'm overjoyed and happy to see how everyone are going their own way, guided by their individually unique bright lights.

I was thrown a question by one of them quite recently.
"You said you're so happy for everyone, then what about your happiness?"
"My happiness is to see all of u happy la bro."
"Wa pls la, mai "sian" leh. You should really start doing something bro"
"I..."

Then there's that other time when Xing and the guys ask me when I'm gonna get attached, they must be mad if they ever think someone would grow fond with the likes of me.

Well, thank God for memories. I'll never forget the times clubbing, times I'd go karaoke, neoprint crazes, overnight heart to heart talks. There's the small moments too. I remembered how I tried getting 3 individuals, all with good hearts, acknowledging and determined to have them as my bros. for life. How we ended up going to the newly built Heeren almost everyday after school, how we got fascinated over "honey sticks". How awkward it was to go up the escalator with Ken., because we are guys whom can talk like mad as a group, but for that moment, 1 to 1 is just weird. lol. Ah, then there's that other time we went for lychee martini in China Black at 7.30+, or 8pm because we were just bored!

And there's that time where I got conned into outdoor sales as my 1st job! Got to know Jos., Joel, Joyce, Nick, Melody, Ronnie, Char, Ben.
How I got dragged by Jos. to my 1st experience with Karaoke. How Joel slapped my neck when we were dead tired making me hopping mad. How Char. can actually pull me to the nearby bazaar when I was looking forward to a hearty western meal in Bugis hawker centre.

And then there's those special moments when u thought that's the special someone you wanna live throughtout with. Lighting up fireworks, caressing lips, or simply a hug where 2 hearts beats as one. How we sat at the beach every night looking out to nothingness. So dark, yet seemingly everlasting bright. And suddenly remembered how I got cut wayy back as a kid, trying to carve words on a tree bark with some knife for that special someone, and ended up getting bandaged by her, bah.. Well, it's amazing how innocent kids can be in the past.

On a lighter note. My future "plans" is to open up a dream cafe, hopefully a successful one! Call all the people that brush my life to come. Single, couple, a family! I used to think, I wanna do all that for the ambience, that a cafe is "cool", that it's for my love in coffee. Actually, I think, I wanna build more memories and bonds with all that has crossed my life. Good, and i guess, bad, yup, all.

Sit back with my bros, coffee and chatting. Maybe having their lil' ones to come by every so often calling me "uncle", that'd be cool, LOL. Who knows, Might even have a cafe that organises mini parties. Would be even better if I can have an empty lot for bands or artistes to play their works, and hopefully for free.

Feeling slightly better after letting everything out. Still quite worried over tmr's outcome. Hope it'll be okay.. I guess I'm just gonna follow my plans and do what I'm always doing. But with regards to love.. I'd say I'll try to put more time in something more practical, like catching up with the many whom I never had time to even call out for coffee with. The thought of how I never meet up with some close friends for years really brings guilt. I might have a heart which never listens when I see someone I might like, but luckily my life principals and moral values, maybe even pride are the straps that wrapping me tight and secure. Well, if ever cupid struck an arrow which crosses me and Miss Right, that'd be beyond fantastic.

However, I guess it ain't that bad too to persue my cafe dream. Treat myself better, eat right, tone up, go for a holiday next March -laughs-.

2009-09-16T01:04:00.004+08:00

15/9
Eco car project is getting ridiculously demanding these days. In the past, we were given long time frames to complete simple tasks; whereas now, what we might take 3 over weeks to complete, we have been getting them done by the hours.

My daily routine below shows what I'm trying to say

730am - Rush to school
9am - Meeting / Presentations on our progress
1pm - Project discussions / Work allocations
3pm - Project
6pm - Leave School
730pm - Dinner
830pm - Project
12am, 3am, 430am - Various sleeping time
730am - All over again

Our 11-man team consists of 2 leaders, 9 members. What I heard was the car consultant hired to train and guide us throughout the project cost roughly 20 - 30k, excluding the budget of the 2 cars we're suppose to machine and assemble (another 20k each, making it 40k). Basically, with other miscellaneous expenditure like shipping, air tickets etc. This massive scale project cost roughly $70 000++ in total.

The section I'm in charge of in the project is called the car chassis The overall leader is working alongside with me for the chassis section. Our sub-groups contain front end of the car, back end of the car, engine, fuel cell and body(Car shell). All these sub groups do what they need to do, and all of them "throw" their finish works to the overall leader and me. Finally, we assemble them. Sounds easy eh? See below.

My "Job" scope in reality for chassis
-In depth knowledge on everything related to this project
-In depth knowledge of everyone's progress
-Check if all components are done correctly
-Finalise Car Dimensions
-Assemble the whole car, with all the sub-components
-Finalise all assemblies integrated in Car
-Find ways of refinements
-Find "faults" from the sub groups and get them resolved before the next "presentation"
-Work Allocation in the team.
-Representing the team during main project discussions/presentations with the car consultants/trainers, later reviewing them with our team.
-Anything goes wrong inside the car, it's DIRECTLY our fault. -laughs-

Yup, I'm not a leader, but based on my job scope, I have to act like one to "cover my ass". On this note, one of our member kept slacking and showed very bad end results. Basically, I took what he had for presentation, and did not have enough time to improve his shoddy work.

My leader and I were expected to be accountable for everything, so when we presented what that member gave us, the lecturers and car consultant ended up disappointed. Keeping in mind the car consultant and lecturers had high expectations of us since Day 1, and we had met all their expectations until that very day.

My leader felt guilty, I felt frustrated. We felt irresponsible. However, my leader just sighed in resignation. Long story short, I had to take action. I encourage the slacker in a very assertive and direct manner with my hands on his collars and dragging him for a distance before I started saying my piece on how everyone is working hard and he should do the same too. Not being able to keep my voice level down, I guess not only the year 3 students heard me, but the lecturers too as their staff room is located beside our project room. So yea, him and everyone else resulted in a bit of shock. Well, the lecturers knew what I did was of good will, and acknowledged that might have been the only way to wake the slacker up. Of course, they told me not to go to such a length in encouraging him next time. Judging how hard his working now, I'm sure it was the 1st, and the last time.

These days, I dare say I'm no more a violent person. With friends, I'm always seen giving a silly grin and a loud hearty laugh, resulting the fact that this fella is officially giving the impression of a total idiot. It's not like I don't realise it.

Anyway, Back to the story.
Presently? My leader is the "good guy", I'm to act as the strict one. It's great working with him as we have the same working traits and moral ethics. Being so inspired and encouraged by the other's enthusiasm. We have a habit of snatching the work that's to be done, and always asking for the other's opinion when any decisions are made.

Most importantly, everyone is working hard with one aim in mind - To fulfill the Eco dream, to enter our car in Shell Eco Marathon and race with people round the globe April next year. Hopefully, we can hit top 5 position or something.

Erm, will be posting the 3d model designs I did previously very very soon.

2009-09-09T22:21:00.001+08:00

08/09

During the night, I realised I lost my wallet when I received a call from Joel, telling me someone called up Meihui/Meilin saying that they picked my wallet from the cab that I took home from school. Despite being flustered and worried upon receiving the news, I focus whatever energy left after an exhausting day and prayed in my sleep; telling myself that when things are out of control, just lift it up to Him while I'm doing my best in my studies.

Fact was that I didn't have my wallet, but kept reminding myself this too shall pass, and my faith shall not be shaken. The same goes for the uncertain future to come. IC, Old 11B, Driving License, ATM card, etc... Knowing I've lose umpteen times My IC during my silly teenage years, I didn't even dare to go think of how I'll replace my IC (Again)

09/09
Woke up early and was reasonably calm, and then I remembered what happened the day before and continued getting into shock (lol.) Rushed to school, hoping to get the call from the person whom picked my wallet. I was extremely fortunate that the person stayed near Clementi, and she said it's much more convenient for her to pass me the wallet in my school, then at the Clementi MRT. Well, it was too much of a coincident that she stayed at Clementi. Truely God met my needs in the storm.

Why did I say it's too much of a coincident? After I took cab home, anyone could have taken my wallet. or even worse, use my identifications illegally. And even if someone had my wallet and wanted to pass it to me; how many good Samaritans are there whom would try to pass it to you by hand? And a bigger blessing, where she stayed was near my school, meaning it's easier for both of us to meet so that she could pass me my wallet.

I continued walking to class thinking to myself how My Father have been putting me into tight situations to get me stretched pass my limitations. Ever since I got back to school, and keeping my life resolve to go back to God. It's been one testing after another. Mentally, physically, spiritually and especially emotionally. Everytime I felt broken, I'll cry out, break down, and get broken again. Gradually, I realised many a times he had poured grace upon me without realising it up till now. Grace and mercy might not necessarily come to a person before getting broken. For me, it happened after I made my own decision to go through brokeness by my own will. To lift up my diligence and descipline to him. That even if it isn't perfect, he can take this imperfection and mould it to something that could be useful to bring praise through me, to him.

In school, despite being a team member and not a leader after the different teams merged. I humbled myself to follow through and do my best. I'm now leading the main leader of the merged teams to make decisions, throwing ideas which could help us, and lastly co-operating with each other.

That said, this is life. A leader might not mean he is always leading a full crowd. A leader can be more then what the human eyes see. A leader can lead the leader, and still be called a leader.

Sometimes, we are all limiting ourselves in seeing things based on human definitions, regardless we're concious of it or not.

2009-09-07T21:32:00.001+08:00

Firstly many thanks to everyone who have been concern bout' me and taking their time to check my dusty blog -laughs- You all know who you are. Another day of rushing while we step into the early designing stages of our Eco Car. And as we're demanded to complete more task, with higher expectations and quality of work by the day, I can't deny I've been stretched passed my limits. I'm not even in the stage of whining. Either submission or resignation, sigh.

Finally fixed my blog toolbar, previously for months I couldn't add pictures, change font style etc. Will do a proper update tmr. I'm so so tired rushing during the weekdays and the weekends.

Well, expect to see the 3D designs I've created during the past few months, this week. Peace Out.

2009-06-10T11:07:00.005+08:00

Based on a request, made the fonts bigger as some people had trouble squinting their eyes to read -laugh-

So busy I'm way over my head these days

Well, final year project took alot of dramatic turn these days
-
Plan in doing petrol car was almost scrapped, a merger was announced with another group doing petrol car
-
Current arrangements are having 2 sub groups per team, us being the 1s in charge of alternative material sourcing + assembly + modification. Wondering what the other sub team is doing all this while...
-
Have to learn to be tactful and push the team to get familiarize with the calculations needed to plan out detailed specifications of our car design
-

Well, we were instructed to do up calculations for 3 car chassis, namely the "skeleton" of the car holding the engine, car seat, etc. Basically, the frame.

*
With all that, this week have been rough considering I had to simultaneously prepare for my tests, studied like a dog as I'm aiming for 3 A's for this weeks 3 tests (2 taken, 1 more upcoming on Friday). Sickenening, have not ran for almost a week!
*
Suddenly was reminded 2 projects need to be wrapped up b4 the school starts again -shrugs- 1 more pending one which yet to be done.. I've got no idea how I'm gonna complete it.. Guess I could only "play by ear" and see how things go from there. Once again, need some form of miracle to pull through, what's new?
*
With God's grace, Really hope i could jack my overall GP to a 2.2-2.7 range. All the clubbing and boozing for my 1st 2 years in poly didn't exactly reap forth a decent overall GP. Needa get a "genius" score this final year in order to get somethin' out of it.

=
Hmm... Not much, okay okay, no life these days. No time for pool, no time to go out, heck, no time for coffee breaks with my bros.

=
On the whole, life is VERY fruitful, having a healthy spiritual relationship with God, and also, having such supportive bros when they know I'm serious about my studies these days. Ken, KL, Felix, Xing, Joel, JP, I wouldn't know how I could press on walking such a rocky route without having occasional chats with all of ya'all. I won't deny with all the busy schedule throughout the whole week, I do get very lonely from time to time simultaneously adapting back into church n poly life.

=
But personally, I feel it's not about the amount of friends one could get to know, rather how many bros could be there regardless where we are, how few meet ups are there, basically everything. It's all about carrying our experience n memories, least an occasional chat to see how everyone else are doin'. With that, I could tackle any situations regardless how tough it is.

=
Believe me, weeks aren't getting easier, it's 1 storm after another, rofl. Actually, I'm really becoming quite the workaholic. But with The Big Guy watching me from above, and aiming to open my own cafe before 40, that's about the other things in my life which drives me to work harder and harder, and keeping me sane all these while. If I didn't keep my mind focus, and have the right mindset, I can say I'd suffer from a major breakdown weeks back. What can I say, what don't kill u makes u stronger.

^
After wrapping up everything that's pouring over for the next 8 months, I WILL go for a trip to Japan, roughly past end of next Feb hopefully. Anyone Interested? Save a load of cash and get back to me, I'm soo going to go extravagant when I'm there. -
^
Saunas, message, checking the night life, breathe-taking scenery, and of course, FOOD!!!! Man oh man, I can't wait to try translucent salmon sashimi arghh..
^

Just one small problem... Most likely I'll end up soloing there since Japan is exp. and all...

And I dont't know Jap!!!!!! ><"

2009-05-30T09:47:00.014+08:00

Dang, flooded with 5 revisions, 4 pending projects and 1 upcoming 1.. So much to do this weekend... That aside, I can't seem to get my feet up for a run on weekends, somehow it's easier when I'm in scl under extreme pressure. An extremist who strives for perfection, yet, a slacker, ahahaha...

After another hectic day in school, manage to progress in my Final Year Project. After some constant browsing, stumbled upon pocket bikes. After taking a look at the specifications, realize that it's better then any of our previous finds, and very practical for usage for our Eco car. Can't wait to start getting everything, disassemble these bike and assemble the dang car.. Made an appointment with the shopkeeper, hoping to go down with my members after school on Monday.. Thx to Xing, was able, to some degree, confidant of selecting the parts needed for Eco Car. I better start shaping up and do some serious reading, can't always depend on the car freak, LOL.

Attempted to read up on calculating our car chassis, was I in for a big shock;
G-force(skid pad), Spring Rate, Stiffness, Torsion... I was wondering if I took up A diploma in the physics field instead of mechanical engineering.... No wonder the lecturers was asking if we're going for doctorate =/

Shortly, did some last minute revision for Maths. Made some mistakes here and there, won't top the class for the 3rd week. Well, just have to learn to do things quick, and yet as sharp.

Went for church wide bible study at night, getting an in depth understanding of the Book of Solomon. Topic was the Initial Love as a believer whom already know God, with reference to "Songs Of Solomon". As Pastor Kong shared his knowledge and teachings, it reminded me how I felt years back when He called me back. 3 times I rejected him, honestly answering him that my bros are the 1 that I put on equal with Him. Being in my prime, and with worldly commitments, it felt like the right thing to do. As learned, Love is honest, and is built by that foundation. I would have done the same thing back then. But the difference between me and the norm, was i had a clear perspective of why I made such a decision. I dun deny the consequences of it was great. And the soul grieved with the absence of the holy spirit for years.

Whatever it is, lifting up all I have to Him, to acknowledge and confess my love for Him is of the highest degree. To push my capacity of love for God deeper, deeper and deeper which made my bond with others; friends, parents, brothers, etc look incomparable. I don't compromise anything lesser today, then yesterday, But my love for God just got higher. With that understanding, I could gradually see how THAT degree of love lifted me out of the world to the Heavens.

The brothers and sisters I know, years of soccer, mugging in scl, muggin at work, late night hours over the phone, overnight karaoke, late night boozing and getting happily drunk after pubbing n clubbing, being there for each other when we got hurt in love.. In short, millions of flashbacks and experience running through my mind in seconds, REAL events that happen to Me! Memories and bonds, they hold infinite value. Somehow, I felt, and that I had to, and lifted up all these to Him. During worship, tears flowed, because I felt some form of sacrifice was made at that instance, something just broke inside me, and the pain of the flesh cried out in my heart. I guess that's how one feels when he is being broken.

Gradually, realizing that I once again stood in front of God. Will all material thoughts cast aside, experiencing once again the innocence of a child. Of where I had stopped years back, He smiled and pointed at the last imprint I took and said, "Look, this was where you had stopped."

Holding His hand, I walked on.

2009-05-28T01:51:00.003+08:00

-Shrugs- Another day with only 4 hours of sleep, but there's somethin about staying up late night that makes it all feel right. The smooth jazz played, the quiet atmosphere with the occasional rustling leaves.. Another day of project and gotta research for the engine parts particularly for my FYP.

Wonder if I should run today, ligaments seem abit busted. Kneecaps don't fail me now. lol.

2009-05-26T21:03:00.001+08:00

Yesterday I saw the sun shinin',
And the leaves were fallin' down softly,
My cold hands needed a warm, warm touch,
And I was thinkin' about you.

Here I am lookin' for signs of leaving,
You hold my hand, but do you really need me?
I guess it's time for me to let you go,
And I've been thinkin' about you,
I've been thinkin' about you.

When you sail across the ocean waters,
And you reach the other side safely,
Could you smile a little smile for me?
'cause I'll be thinkin' about you,
I'll be thinkin' about you,
I'll be thinkin' about you,
I'll be thinkin' about you.

2009-04-28T20:53:00.004+08:00

Life Hiccups in 2 days

-Like missing the correct bus stop, and ending up at Dairy Farm Road.
-Got my shoes really muddy as I hailed a cab to school.
-Looking like a fool with muddy shoes.
-Losing a Good pair of running shoes that lasted me through NS during lesson time.
-New pair of shoes don't fit, resulting in blisters and cramped toes in school.
-Despite cramped toes, tried to run in a cloudy day, and stopped 1/2way when the sky turned really grey, and the loud haler was announcing the only guy running to get back in the shelter, namely me. -.-'

Well, those were the bad times, The good 1s AFTER that are

-Always on time for classes
-Doing very well 4 out of 5 modules, the last 1 was very dependent on freehand sketching, and I'm no artist.
-Very diligent and disciplined these days, dead serious when it comes to my studies. Something no close friends of mine can believe, lol.
-Chalking an outstanding 7 hours of studying/revision/Doing homework outside my lesson time.
-Dad offered, bugging me to buy a good pair of running shoes, regardless the cost. (yet to buy 1)
-Came home after a rainy day, and for some reason end up running like the wind, something that is surprising as I seem to be just jogging much slower in scl.
-Within 2 weeks, weight down from 83kg to 75kg. (Face still as round, lol.)
-My Un-co-operative classmate is actually helping, even if it's a bit, but it's a step.
-Mum chalked in a bit of cash into my dead flat "spending" account.

Overall, It's been a very very very testing week, or 2 days, lol. But at the end, things out of my hands, God came through for me. I still can't explain how I ran with my legs fully in the air throughout a gauge of 3km maybe? I'm still really fat. And the panting recovered in a minute.

Slowly, but steadily, trying to "hone" my spiritual gift/s God gave me. Everyday talking to him, begging him to sharpen my gift of spiritual sensitivity and to bring back that ability to somewhat give accurate "premonitions" like what I had in N112 way way way back in my 1st cell group.

I won't saying it's as sharp as the past, as the heart is still hardened, but I believe slowly and steadily, the spiritual sensitivity is coming back. Like how I started from walking to jogging, jogging to running :)

Still, thinking back, I've been very very very quiet once i stepped into the campus. Like 1 of those samurai or cowboy movies where u see the fella journeying on his own. I can't say im actually happy about it, but in some sense, I'm trying to fool myself that's how maturity begins. Whatever it may be, I'm talking the most to God in a week as the way things are like that now. lol.

2009-04-27T00:18:00.004+08:00

Lol, is it because of old age? or simply not used to sitting down and doing academic stuffs? For the 1st time since i could ever remember, I actually sat down and tried my best to study. Merely an hour and a half, despite finishing what's to be done, I felt so exhausted. Hopefully I could slowly increase my "stamina" when it comes to hitting the books.

Went for Cg again, as mentioned, solely for the atmosphere, word of god, knowledge, wisdom, etc. Maybe its the sudden "increase" in the members today that caught me by surprised, and kept rather quiet during fellowship. Thought back how i was such a loud haler in the past, be it in church or not. Now, I just quietly bask in God's words, always reminding myself God's promises, and my covenant to him. That my mood don't matter, it's more like what else can I still do for Him? Regardless right or wrong, I didn't really put any attention at those awkward moments when I didn't talk to the other members. Of course it'll be great to talk openly, but somehow, something went off during the process, rofl.

2009-04-26T10:25:00.003+08:00

After straying away from God for years, Finally stood up and walked back to him, fulfilling my resolve made 5 years back.

During service last week, having the holy spirit cleansing my soul. Loosening the lock resting within me, I was reasonably surprised as I broke down. Throughout the years, despite putting God aside, I still kept thinking and walking beside him, but at a distance. His words occasionally passed by me like a wandering whisper, as I pulled my shoulders away and continued what was once a morbid lifestyle. I don't deny things were "okay". Living life with a more practical, materialistic, somewhat "sensible" mentality.

But when the atmosphere thickens, grew stronger, I realize I had a heart grown weary and heavy, lost and an unexplainable sense of sadness and relief. It's Like loosing someone you love so so much, and finally, you found that someone, and you never wanna let go.

Remembering how I bask in the Lights, Boozing, Dancing and Smoking with my brothers at ChinaBlack, Having to come home High, But not drunk. Satisfied, yet empty, and very, very tired. I heard a 3 knocks as I spinned around, wondering who can it be when there's only me standing by my door. God knows it sounded distinct, literally, I felt a real knock, I swear.

"Are u ready to let me in?"

I got Frustrated and answered out into the darkness
"My Bros are here, I'm at my prime, I wanna live with them, Laugh with them, And to go through rough patches together. Father, I'm Not ready. I'm really not ready."

"Are u ready to let me in?"

"God, This is not my time, You might see something I don't, but I don't wanna look back with regrets. I am not ready."

"Are u ready to let me in?"

".. God, I love you more I did today then yesterday, u know where my heart lies ultimately. It'll be my covenant to u that when we walk our different paths in lifes. That all my bros are reasonably settled down, going overseas for studies. When i realised I'm Alone. That's when I'm ready to walk through that door myself to join u,"

That said, the room suddenly grew colder and quiet. And of course, What I've always believed to be in being sensitive to the spirit, that gift gradually grew rusty, or maybe, spoilt.

Everything was renewed when at a distinct moment during worship. Under most situations, I didn't feel the worship song was that ecstatic. But it was all that's said above, and a sudden realisation, and with the sudden sadness that broke me down. I let loose everything in my heart, felt like some1 tearing off a thick scab, revealing an open wound, and treating it. It hurts, it burned, it shook me silly. Struggling to collect my thoughts with myself as I felt a deep sense of unexplainable empathy. I gradually felt that sensitivity to the spirit, of which I lost it for a long time. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprise if i would have just gone mad at that very moment. But God took care of that, and he rewarded me with a more sharpened gift, I would say, a divine perspective of seeing him, believing him, to the stage where u know you're so close in touching the ethereal form of the holy spirit.

After that, I found myself approaching Joel for prayers. No, It's not coming up to him and sharing my hoo has and my woes. Definitely not dependency as I dare say I've learn how to stand strong with/for God. But it's to desire to getting a clearer atmosphere, one that can sharpen our senses, even for a moment, in our prayer with God. And that desire, might I be bold enough to say addicting, when we slowly but surely get new perspectives, guidelines, renewed feeling with God. In short, Its Just calling my brother along with me, so that we can talk to "dad" together.

And Dad likes how we can come together and speak to him, -smiles-

Revamped.

2009-04-26T09:49:00.002+08:00

New Start, New Post. Took Time to do some changes here n there. But Kept the same layout -smiles-