Thursday, September 17, 2009

Hm. Getting rather restless as I'm getting my results tmr. Logically, I've done more studies then I ever did past few months since i came back to scl. But knowing the old me screwed 3 modules. I'm considered taking 2nd attempts for 3 of my 5 modules this Semester.

I try my best to think that life is all sunshine with rainbows in the sky and smiley faces. However, reality.. I guess harsh isn't the right word. Harsh is just a perspective of how ppl see things at certain moments. It's temporal. It's more like, cold,very materialistic maybe. Where dreams submit to the concrete Jungle. Yea, I've hope for so many things to happened, made so many dreams. Many are scattered over the floor like rolling marbles, rolling to any directions but to me. Many of these promises and dreams which I hold closer then life itself, unfortunately died slowly. Through the years, and later by the years, having to accept and submit to reality.

Is it my character? Or because of my life choices? Maybe jus plain mad? All mentioned might have played a part in their own way. I come from a family where my early childhood is built on shattered dreams, lies and hypocricy of which mum provided them for me. But that's another story. Dad was more introverted I guess. Even though it was more of a recent thing where Dad is trying to catchup with me, showing concern for me and all.

Basically I'm pointing out being an only son living in such conditions and upbringing, what had been one of fiery passion, living life on dreams and "yet to fulfill promises", and to an extreme where being naive might have been it; to someone whom on the surface seem to be ruled by logic, materialistic dreams. I know deep inside, there's a place where all my broken dreams and hurts are, awaiting to be mended, even though tentatively, I've always felt it's a hopeless cause and just shrug them of with a smile.

Now, the guys are all overseas studying, mostly attached. The ladies, to my knowledge, are happily attached or to my knowledge, some married. Without a doubt, I'm overjoyed and happy to see how everyone are going their own way, guided by their individually unique bright lights.

I was thrown a question by one of them quite recently.
"You said you're so happy for everyone, then what about your happiness?"
"My happiness is to see all of u happy la bro."
"Wa pls la, mai "sian" leh. You should really start doing something bro"
"I..."

Then there's that other time when Xing and the guys ask me when I'm gonna get attached, they must be mad if they ever think someone would grow fond with the likes of me.

Well, thank God for memories. I'll never forget the times clubbing, times I'd go karaoke, neoprint crazes, overnight heart to heart talks. There's the small moments too. I remembered how I tried getting 3 individuals, all with good hearts, acknowledging and determined to have them as my bros. for life. How we ended up going to the newly built Heeren almost everyday after school, how we got fascinated over "honey sticks". How awkward it was to go up the escalator with Ken., because we are guys whom can talk like mad as a group, but for that moment, 1 to 1 is just weird. lol. Ah, then there's that other time we went for lychee martini in China Black at 7.30+, or 8pm because we were just bored!

And there's that time where I got conned into outdoor sales as my 1st job! Got to know Jos., Joel, Joyce, Nick, Melody, Ronnie, Char, Ben.
How I got dragged by Jos. to my 1st experience with Karaoke. How Joel slapped my neck when we were dead tired making me hopping mad. How Char. can actually pull me to the nearby bazaar when I was looking forward to a hearty western meal in Bugis hawker centre.

And then there's those special moments when u thought that's the special someone you wanna live throughtout with. Lighting up fireworks, caressing lips, or simply a hug where 2 hearts beats as one. How we sat at the beach every night looking out to nothingness. So dark, yet seemingly everlasting bright. And suddenly remembered how I got cut wayy back as a kid, trying to carve words on a tree bark with some knife for that special someone, and ended up getting bandaged by her, bah.. Well, it's amazing how innocent kids can be in the past.

On a lighter note. My future "plans" is to open up a dream cafe, hopefully a successful one! Call all the people that brush my life to come. Single, couple, a family! I used to think, I wanna do all that for the ambience, that a cafe is "cool", that it's for my love in coffee. Actually, I think, I wanna build more memories and bonds with all that has crossed my life. Good, and i guess, bad, yup, all.

Sit back with my bros, coffee and chatting. Maybe having their lil' ones to come by every so often calling me "uncle", that'd be cool, LOL. Who knows, Might even have a cafe that organises mini parties. Would be even better if I can have an empty lot for bands or artistes to play their works, and hopefully for free.

Feeling slightly better after letting everything out. Still quite worried over tmr's outcome. Hope it'll be okay.. I guess I'm just gonna follow my plans and do what I'm always doing. But with regards to love.. I'd say I'll try to put more time in something more practical, like catching up with the many whom I never had time to even call out for coffee with. The thought of how I never meet up with some close friends for years really brings guilt. I might have a heart which never listens when I see someone I might like, but luckily my life principals and moral values, maybe even pride are the straps that wrapping me tight and secure. Well, if ever cupid struck an arrow which crosses me and Miss Right, that'd be beyond fantastic.

However, I guess it ain't that bad too to persue my cafe dream. Treat myself better, eat right, tone up, go for a holiday next March -laughs-.

posted @ 9/17/2009 10:37:00 PM

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