Sunday, April 26, 2009

After straying away from God for years, Finally stood up and walked back to him, fulfilling my resolve made 5 years back.

During service last week, having the holy spirit cleansing my soul. Loosening the lock resting within me, I was reasonably surprised as I broke down. Throughout the years, despite putting God aside, I still kept thinking and walking beside him, but at a distance. His words occasionally passed by me like a wandering whisper, as I pulled my shoulders away and continued what was once a morbid lifestyle. I don't deny things were "okay". Living life with a more practical, materialistic, somewhat "sensible" mentality.

But when the atmosphere thickens, grew stronger, I realize I had a heart grown weary and heavy, lost and an unexplainable sense of sadness and relief. It's Like loosing someone you love so so much, and finally, you found that someone, and you never wanna let go.

Remembering how I bask in the Lights, Boozing, Dancing and Smoking with my brothers at ChinaBlack, Having to come home High, But not drunk. Satisfied, yet empty, and very, very tired. I heard a 3 knocks as I spinned around, wondering who can it be when there's only me standing by my door. God knows it sounded distinct, literally, I felt a real knock, I swear.

"Are u ready to let me in?"

I got Frustrated and answered out into the darkness
"My Bros are here, I'm at my prime, I wanna live with them, Laugh with them, And to go through rough patches together. Father, I'm Not ready. I'm really not ready."

"Are u ready to let me in?"

"God, This is not my time, You might see something I don't, but I don't wanna look back with regrets. I am not ready."

"Are u ready to let me in?"

".. God, I love you more I did today then yesterday, u know where my heart lies ultimately. It'll be my covenant to u that when we walk our different paths in lifes. That all my bros are reasonably settled down, going overseas for studies. When i realised I'm Alone. That's when I'm ready to walk through that door myself to join u,"

That said, the room suddenly grew colder and quiet. And of course, What I've always believed to be in being sensitive to the spirit, that gift gradually grew rusty, or maybe, spoilt.

Everything was renewed when at a distinct moment during worship. Under most situations, I didn't feel the worship song was that ecstatic. But it was all that's said above, and a sudden realisation, and with the sudden sadness that broke me down. I let loose everything in my heart, felt like some1 tearing off a thick scab, revealing an open wound, and treating it. It hurts, it burned, it shook me silly. Struggling to collect my thoughts with myself as I felt a deep sense of unexplainable empathy. I gradually felt that sensitivity to the spirit, of which I lost it for a long time. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprise if i would have just gone mad at that very moment. But God took care of that, and he rewarded me with a more sharpened gift, I would say, a divine perspective of seeing him, believing him, to the stage where u know you're so close in touching the ethereal form of the holy spirit.

After that, I found myself approaching Joel for prayers. No, It's not coming up to him and sharing my hoo has and my woes. Definitely not dependency as I dare say I've learn how to stand strong with/for God. But it's to desire to getting a clearer atmosphere, one that can sharpen our senses, even for a moment, in our prayer with God. And that desire, might I be bold enough to say addicting, when we slowly but surely get new perspectives, guidelines, renewed feeling with God. In short, Its Just calling my brother along with me, so that we can talk to "dad" together.

And Dad likes how we can come together and speak to him, -smiles-

posted @ 4/26/2009 10:25:00 AM

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