Wednesday, November 11, 2009
From the mountain sky, through the dawn.
You've watched me fumble, you've watched me sigh.
As a Father to his son, "I'm always here, don't cry"
Immeasurable love, the pain subsides.
That "I" do not matter, putting my "i" in Christ
The tears of the fallen, to the tears for the fallen.
Keeping my heart open; the broken, forgotten.
How you brought the blind to see,
Oh, how you died for all my sins.
Where prayer dwells deep in the heart.
So my sanctuary is, where my soul departs.
I shall not wander, I shall not wonder.
Your grace, Your Mercy.
Jesus Christ, Abba Father....
posted @ 11/11/2009 08:47:00 PM
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Sunday, November 01, 2009
Blasting away techno during a cool Sunday morning. Thinking back, Thank God for giving me a purpose he set in my life. Even as a christian, I could have never been more transparent and real, and loving the identity he had set for me in my life. Yesterday halloween didn't work out ideally, but I know it'll definitely turn out better! Undeniably, I felt if I could have been more open, more willing to be sponteneous in giving ideas, or helping out, things could have worked out much better.
Partying, or how people would blindly term it as clubbing, 1st reaction would be boozing and smoking in the dancefloor, or so they think that's the only way to make a party run wild. Right? WRONG!
To wrap it all up, using a "club aspect" I'll say 85% of it boils down to
1. Music
2. MC-ing
3. Atmosphere
4. Sponteneous Crowd
No.4 Comes in natrually when you got the 1st three. I feel, it's the MC-ing that really captures a crowd. After all, music can only do that much in a party; I'd say bobbing of heads is the most you could get out of it ;l
Hehe, well, the "art" of MC-ing would be down to the MC 1st, upfront, bold and nonchalant. Especially if you're doing it for a crowd whom are acknowledge as your peers. Of course, different events, different settings. If you're MC-ing with a teacher status, all that's been mentioned might not be applicable.
Now the setting of an MC is said, it's down to the more critical aspect, capturing the crowd! Easier said then done of course, before the "show", roughly ask yourself the setting you'll want the crowd to get in tune with, and plan how you'll gradually progress to get that ideal setting. It take tactfulness and subtleness to do that, call it an art I guess. From there on, it's on cruise control, you've capture the crowd, now just enjoy the rest of the party, ppl. should be more sponteneous in lifting up the atmosphere, worst case possible is that you just need to give a slight poke to individuals during the event to be more sponteneous. =]
posted @ 11/01/2009 09:36:00 AM
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Saturday, October 31, 2009
Today's service was superb. After the word given by Pastor Kong, when we prayed, felt this unexplainable "home"liness from God. More then just a friend, more then just a Father, more then just a lover, it's something that penetrates so deep inside, there's really no words to explain it.
It's been a long time, really really long. But I've never felt God speaking to me like that since the time I was in CHC at Paya Lebar. I was asking God for a message, one I could depend on, meditate on, and to reassure. He said, "Pray for the multitudes". Went on praying and praying, thinking bout my accounts I had with God. Recalling the 1st dream I ever had that's related to Christ. Then recalling how he gave me strength to stretch my faith and discipline to another level while he watched over me.
Suddenly I received, or so I think, a revelation. As I imagine myself putting all my dreams in an offering pit, those which I accomplished, and somewhat regret; and those of which I've always wanted to complete, but never did. Suddenly God spoke to me. "Break your dreams." "Break your dreams so that you could mend the broken dreams of others." God be my witness I never makeup anything written here this very moment. Suddenly flashes of my spiritual struggles I had, lonely times crying out to God, praying fervently as a drunk for a friend, staring out; lost without an aim in Jurong East CHC when I was nearing O levels years years back. All with 1 similarity, shattered, torn dreams, like torn silk satins soak in mud and dirt, trampled upon on the floor. Realising a flawless person will never be able to win lost souls. Why do I make such a bold statement? Reason being a flawless person can never relate to the people of the world. Like how Joseph got sold as a slave to Egypt by his brothers, Joseph never blamed his brothers, but understood that it was God that led him to Egypt, to save the country whom would go through 7 years of famine later on. That was why all those trials and tribulations occured, or had to occur.
Relating that to my life, a broken relationship with mum, being a broken person whom tried all ways to be christ like, unfortunately for all the wrong intentions, at times, wrong mentality; my lifetime worth of backsliding before the recent comeback, my secret sins, smoking, clubbing, druinking, pubbing, and more of which I can't say here as some might be too ghastly, maybe even explicit. Whatever it is, instead of how I'd mope about it week after week crying to God why and to give me strength, I Thank God for ALL that has happened. Really! For it takes a broken man to mend broken dreams, and this I believe tentatively, is my calling.
Lots of meditation, prayer and studying of the bible would be needed to affirm this revelation I had. To be sure it's all from God. But after 20 over years, I have NEVER felt God this way, never in my past spiritual prime did my experience with God shoot to such a height. Can't wait to make time and do quiet time etc. Gradually, and hopefully soon, would want to start fasting for the revelation given by God. To know what are his other plans in my life.
posted @ 10/31/2009 11:57:00 PM
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Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Well, haven't blog for a long long time. So many things have been happening in my life, and really, it's hard to pinpoint how I'm gonna start this.
Well, currently down with the flu, a pretty bad one.. After seeing the doctor yesterday, slept from 9pm-9am. Then 10am to 12pm, and 3pm-7pm. Lol. In the midst of it all, drowning in cold sweat and coughing very hard, trying to rid the phelgmns for the lungs. Definitely not a pretty sight.
Roughly, it has been almost 24 hours since I quitted smoking. Feeling better? lol no way, not yet I guess. Breathelessness, lethargic and cold sweat. I heard from somewhere as the lungs start to heal, it'll expel some gunk from the lungs, of course, temporily making me more breatheless then usual.
Well, about yesterday night, I wasn't sure if it's the fever, or is it fatigue. Before I headed to bed, suddenly had giddy spells, and at night, I might have become abit delusional drifting in and out of dreams, yet semi concious, knowing I wasn't able to sleep fully at night.
Can't wait to recover from my cold... At least, I know it can't get any worst then this. I've always thought I'll quit smoking when I'm attached, or that was the plan -laughs-. But now, I'm quitting smoking for myself.. Or maybe for the sake of a breakthrough, for God. In the midst of all these "self inflicted" madness, I know I'm really putting full dependency on God. Reading the bible and praying hard everyday.
So much in my mind right now, I've got so much to say, haha.. But I think, until I further sort out my thoughts, I'll leave it as this for now.
posted @ 10/27/2009 07:49:00 PM
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Thursday, October 01, 2009
Wanted to catchup on my previous postings, but gradually started to ponder about life. (Yea, one of those moments) Well, happened to talk to this new Staff in my poly, his 27 years old with a diploma only, and was sharing with me lots of stuffs. We aren't exactly friends to start of with, more like aquaintence. However, we shared 1 vital similarity, both of us undergo the same life experiences, and had turned over a new leaf.
During our 10 over minutes conversation. He shared how he had undergone the same trials as me, and that for my case, it's highly possible to catchup, or overtake my peers so long I don't give up. The conversation was deep; ironically it's almost like how a sinner goes up to a confessional box and let everything out. It had that kind of atmosphere.
Honestly, I'm living it out now, pushing every ounce I have into my studies and to God. Thinking back about everything tha happened, good or bad. Every second, every breathe we take, every thought that passes our mind and every action we take based on our decisions, regardless how small, unknowingly we're recording them down in our life. Guess that's how we get biographies.
As human, we can look so deep into our philosiphys, ideologys, emotions, visions, dreams and hopes. But life for a fact is very fragile. A freak accident or taking the wrong step and the individual's soul vanishes, leaving a cold hard shell. Life's Irony, but all the more we should live the way we want, before God's calling. For me, I'd say I'm 70% satisfied, should I head to the heavens anytime soon. Being the sentimental type, the other 30% should be getting that special someone? Hahaha, wellll, setting my life on the road to success, I don't dwell in my emotions as much and am in control of my emotions these days. It doesn't mean I put my feelings aside and become a cold heartless person, but that it's not right to dwell in it so much resulting in an emo, pity party which blinds myself from fulfilling other aspects in life. I guess, after going through Good love, bad love, it made me wiser regardless the situation I was in. Guess it'll jus boil down to being if ever the right one comes by, I'll put my heart and soul to it. If not, reflecting back on life, it'll still be pretty great, lol.
posted @ 10/01/2009 09:27:00 PM
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Saturday, September 19, 2009
18/9
Got back my exam results. 1C, 1 D, 2 Bs, 1 B+. Well, Despite not getting better results for maths even when I did my best, I'm very thankful I did not end up failing anything. Last time always get Cs and Fs. So Bs and B+ is a 1st in all my years in poly. Feeling relieved, able to concentrate in my project and getting shuteye after I came home.
19/9
Was doing my own stuffs till Joel msn me. Suddenly reminded me bout blood donation, nvr go b4. Always drawing ppl blood now ppl draw my blood. Well. Hope everything ends up well. Quite nervous..
posted @ 9/19/2009 09:53:00 AM
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Thursday, September 17, 2009
Hm. Getting rather restless as I'm getting my results tmr. Logically, I've done more studies then I ever did past few months since i came back to scl. But knowing the old me screwed 3 modules. I'm considered taking 2nd attempts for 3 of my 5 modules this Semester.
I try my best to think that life is all sunshine with rainbows in the sky and smiley faces. However, reality.. I guess harsh isn't the right word. Harsh is just a perspective of how ppl see things at certain moments. It's temporal. It's more like, cold,very materialistic maybe. Where dreams submit to the concrete Jungle. Yea, I've hope for so many things to happened, made so many dreams. Many are scattered over the floor like rolling marbles, rolling to any directions but to me. Many of these promises and dreams which I hold closer then life itself, unfortunately died slowly. Through the years, and later by the years, having to accept and submit to reality.
Is it my character? Or because of my life choices? Maybe jus plain mad? All mentioned might have played a part in their own way. I come from a family where my early childhood is built on shattered dreams, lies and hypocricy of which mum provided them for me. But that's another story. Dad was more introverted I guess. Even though it was more of a recent thing where Dad is trying to catchup with me, showing concern for me and all.
Basically I'm pointing out being an only son living in such conditions and upbringing, what had been one of fiery passion, living life on dreams and "yet to fulfill promises", and to an extreme where being naive might have been it; to someone whom on the surface seem to be ruled by logic, materialistic dreams. I know deep inside, there's a place where all my broken dreams and hurts are, awaiting to be mended, even though tentatively, I've always felt it's a hopeless cause and just shrug them of with a smile.
Now, the guys are all overseas studying, mostly attached. The ladies, to my knowledge, are happily attached or to my knowledge, some married. Without a doubt, I'm overjoyed and happy to see how everyone are going their own way, guided by their individually unique bright lights.
I was thrown a question by one of them quite recently.
"You said you're so happy for everyone, then what about your happiness?"
"My happiness is to see all of u happy la bro."
"Wa pls la, mai "sian" leh. You should really start doing something bro"
"I..."
Then there's that other time when Xing and the guys ask me when I'm gonna get attached, they must be mad if they ever think someone would grow fond with the likes of me.
Well, thank God for memories. I'll never forget the times clubbing, times I'd go karaoke, neoprint crazes, overnight heart to heart talks. There's the small moments too. I remembered how I tried getting 3 individuals, all with good hearts, acknowledging and determined to have them as my bros. for life. How we ended up going to the newly built Heeren almost everyday after school, how we got fascinated over "honey sticks". How awkward it was to go up the escalator with Ken., because we are guys whom can talk like mad as a group, but for that moment, 1 to 1 is just weird. lol. Ah, then there's that other time we went for lychee martini in China Black at 7.30+, or 8pm because we were just bored!
And there's that time where I got conned into outdoor sales as my 1st job! Got to know Jos., Joel, Joyce, Nick, Melody, Ronnie, Char, Ben.
How I got dragged by Jos. to my 1st experience with Karaoke. How Joel slapped my neck when we were dead tired making me hopping mad. How Char. can actually pull me to the nearby bazaar when I was looking forward to a hearty western meal in Bugis hawker centre.
And then there's those special moments when u thought that's the special someone you wanna live throughtout with. Lighting up fireworks, caressing lips, or simply a hug where 2 hearts beats as one. How we sat at the beach every night looking out to nothingness. So dark, yet seemingly everlasting bright. And suddenly remembered how I got cut wayy back as a kid, trying to carve words on a tree bark with some knife for that special someone, and ended up getting bandaged by her, bah.. Well, it's amazing how innocent kids can be in the past.
On a lighter note. My future "plans" is to open up a dream cafe, hopefully a successful one! Call all the people that brush my life to come. Single, couple, a family! I used to think, I wanna do all that for the ambience, that a cafe is "cool", that it's for my love in coffee. Actually, I think, I wanna build more memories and bonds with all that has crossed my life. Good, and i guess, bad, yup, all.
Sit back with my bros, coffee and chatting. Maybe having their lil' ones to come by every so often calling me "uncle", that'd be cool, LOL. Who knows, Might even have a cafe that organises mini parties. Would be even better if I can have an empty lot for bands or artistes to play their works, and hopefully for free.
Feeling slightly better after letting everything out. Still quite worried over tmr's outcome. Hope it'll be okay.. I guess I'm just gonna follow my plans and do what I'm always doing. But with regards to love.. I'd say I'll try to put more time in something more practical, like catching up with the many whom I never had time to even call out for coffee with. The thought of how I never meet up with some close friends for years really brings guilt. I might have a heart which never listens when I see someone I might like, but luckily my life principals and moral values, maybe even pride are the straps that wrapping me tight and secure. Well, if ever cupid struck an arrow which crosses me and Miss Right, that'd be beyond fantastic.
However, I guess it ain't that bad too to persue my cafe dream. Treat myself better, eat right, tone up, go for a holiday next March -laughs-.
posted @ 9/17/2009 10:37:00 PM
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